Welcome to Fat Club
Hi there. Me again; Gracefully Mel back for her weekly not-so-graceful instalment. Last week I filled you in on my little rendezvous with yo-yo dieting, so leading on from that, this week I thought I would share one of my most favoured pre-lockdown yo-yo moments. Who doesn’t love to reminisce on the good times? Let me take you back a few years or so, I’ll paint the picture.
It’s a slightly damp Tuesday evening in mid-January. The wind is blowing a Hooley outside and Melissa is also doing her best gale force wind impression having just run up the stairs. She has just finished her second Salad for the day, but still remains beyond bloody starving. The only snacks to hand are either fat free or of cardboard consistency, so in other words: not fucking worth it.
January became the month of new beginnings, etching the same resolutions into her skin, as she does year on year: lose weight, learn a new language, qualify to teach deep sea diving off the coast of Botswana - nothing too impossible (if Botswana didn’t actually happen to be land locked). So in a half-arsed attempt to actually get this year moving in the right direction, tonight Melissa embarked on the journey of a life ti– the next few weeks…on and off.
“Hello and welcome to Fat Club; the only place where avocados are discouraged but scoffing buckets of sin free food is something we consider a competitive sport! The more you eat, the more you (definitely don’t) lose! By joining us today you have won your first fat badge which means you are just one stop closer to your skinny destination! Welcome aboard bitches.”
So yes, a few years ago, I joined Fat Club. In the (very) short time I was a member, I lost 7lb, put on 10 and developed an unhealthy obsession with muller light yogurts. Going to the chub class felt like I was attending an AA meeting, but for secret eating and obsessive snacking, as we went around the circle confessing to the pounds we gained over the holiday season. What do you expect me to do when boxes of celebrations are a fiver and mince pies are on 2 for 1? Miss out?
I suddenly felt ashamed of my body, embarrassed that I didn’t have any willpower but most of all, really pissed off that I just spent a good fiver to get into this weird therapy group when I could have bought myself a few McDonalds chicken nuggets and a burger on the way home from work! Bloody unbelievable.
I suppose my experience at Fat Club is just one of stops of my little trip with yo-yo dieting. I start off well, hit a curve ball and then end up missing first base – although as I have mentioned before, sports have never been my forte.